I think I'm slowly killing myself...

So this week I hit new lows...

Unfortunately, I could have written about a dozen blogs that started with that sentence over the last year and did start many journal entries that way. Coincidentally I could have written about a dozen that were the exact opposite in the oscillations that are life.

I'm not sure when, but my life for the last year became a ride along a wave at hyperspeed. The crests and the troughs were big culminations that made you think and rethink what you were doing.

But that's not what this post about... this post is about my body - my once foxy and slightly more soft body these days. I probably should do more research into the physical effects of prolonged stress, adrenaline release or sleep deprivation as a whole. Let's just say that those effects are going to be my life some day. They already are to some extent.

I picked up a Dr. Pepper habit when I was working on the presidential race in 2007 in Nevada. There was a 7-11 around the corner from my office and after several very late nights and generally running around on a campaign schedule I got into the habit of afternoon trips to pick up a drink. Aside from me very much enjoying Dr. Pepper as an occasional drink at a bar or restaurant the biggest draw was to get out of the office everyday. Those were the days when I wouldn't see the sun up unless I went out to grab a drink and there wasn't enough time to run out and grab lunch. Seriously. At one point I was having to scrape the ice off my car when I left the office every night so that I could go home, shower, take a brief nap and scrape the ice off my car to get to the office before most people had had their morning cup of coffee.

So... through the campaign the Dr. Pepper continued. I remember it being occasional or nonexistent when I was in California and Boston, but it came back with a vengeance in Northern Virginia. Moving down to Richmond it has gotten to be the worst that it has ever been. The guys who work at the 7-11 around the corner from the office(they have 99 cent refills and I'm cheap) call me "Baby" and about half the time give me my drink for free. They know exactly nothing about me other than I'm dressed like I work in business and I come in everyday for a very large drink, but they still call me "Baby" and flirt with me like we're friends. I smile back and walk out with my IV of caffeine.

Yes. That nickname was a new low.

Continuing... this week it got even worse.

So... It is a crazy week. Frankly, every week is a crazy week, it seems. I don't know how, but there are always massive, earth-shattering deadlines at every turn and no chance to catch your breath. If it isn't the direct boss it's a peripheral candidate (think presidential). If it isn't directly with my office it's a coworker needing help or something to do with the party. I love the people I work with - both coworkers and the people I call "my people" around the state. They are some of my best friends and people I genuinely care about. I don't want for them to feel neglected no matter how busy my life might become. It all just adds up. There aren't enough hours in the day and nobody has invented a teleporting device... so here I am... a Dr. Pepper drinking 20-something with a to do list taller than I am.

[Editor's Sidenote: Whenever I've been asked or pondered the idea of what superpower I'd most like, without a doubt my answer is to pause time. I think it's brilliant, but it also might show just how weird I am. Yah... it might be cool to fly, to heal people, or to be bulletproof, but none of those are good until you can control the most restricting commodity or object in life. It's nonnegotiable - I would want to pause time. By pausing time I could get caught up on my responsibilities while other people couldn't add to the list at the same time. I could be in a lot of places at once while time was paused which I think would lead to richer relationships and richer experiences when time was rolling for me.]

So... Monday was crazy. Work started before the sun came up and just kept going until 5pm when I grabbed the new coworker and we headed down to Virginia Beach for meetings. By the time we got back very late I still had a massive to do list of things that needed to get done so I kept working. I curled up in a blanket on my couch, grabbed the case of dr. pepper I had picked up on my way home that night and churned out spreadsheets, e-mails, and newly devised processes to get everything done moving forward with a bigger team (yay help!).

It was all good until at 5:15am when my alarm went off and I hadn't gone to bed.

All-nighters aren't new to me, but all-nighters and being charming in front of legitimate professionals isn't the best plan. So I threw on a cocktail dress and shimmied my very tired body up to the hotel where our breakfast was to be held that morning. It was a great event, but all I wanted to do was go home and take a nap. I didn't. I went to my office and got back to work. I started making more aggressive phone calls and cleared out my inbox from the last couple of days. Then I looked down at the clock and realized that I hadn't really eaten that day, but I had consumed 2 big gulps of Dr. Pepper in an attempt to keep working (more than the usual daily dose) and it was time to get on the road. In a slightly more frazzled and delirious state I got on the road to Fairfax and said a little prayer that I'd stay attentive and safe.

Sorry Dad! This was about the time that you called and I just didn't want to talk to anybody. I was in the I'm-tired-stay-away-from-me-otherwise-I'll-blow-up-at-you mood that I perfected sometime between the terrible 2's and high school. I know you and Mom know it well.

Realizing that this attitude may not be the best strategic move to have as I drove to the largest (650 people +) and one of the most complicated/powerful groups in the state, I decided that both an energy boost and an attitude adjustment might be a good idea. I may have also started getting that drowsy/loopy feeling that happens when I drive home late from committee meetings after a long week. Unfortunately I was still several hours from driving home and already hitting that energy collapse.

So I stopped at a 7-11 in Stafford and picked up (you guessed it!) my 4th big gulp of Dr. Pepper in 24 hours... don't worry... that was just the chaser. I also grabbed a 5 hour energy bottle of something that said "extra strength" and "berry" on it. Who knew there were so many choices? I had never taken a 5 hr energy and I think this was only my 2nd time ever having an energy drink. They make me uncomfortable and, quite frankly, I don't think they jive with the spirit of the Word of Wisdom (just my opinion).

So I quickly drank what I can only assume was the equivalent of a shot glass of pure caffeine into my blood stream followed by another very large cup of more caffeine.

The good news is that it quickly gave my body the energy that it needed to be alert on the road and along with twitter direct messages from Dad of snark and Romney love boosted my morale (yay New Hampshire!!). I walked into the meeting with a smile on my face and tried to pull out every bit of charm I had hidden deep down in my soul.

Driving home I'm fairly certain I could still literally feel my heart pumping blood through my veins just sitting there and my mind was at it's breaking point in terms of number of hours awake and working. It's a very strange feeling to be aware of every one of your vital organs working harder than ever when all you want is for everything to shut down. It made me feel a little robotic and a little bit on the verge of cardiac arrest.  Thankfully it lasted long enough for me to get home safely. The problem was when I got home just before 1am and my body was still running on all cylinders (and possibly on additional cylinders that I wasn't aware that I had), but my mind had completely shut down. I tried to take a bath to get my body to relax a little and let me sleep. Thankfully within a half hour or so I passed out in a mess of blankets on my bed.

I know I should cut back and, more appropriately, cut out Dr. Pepper from my daily routine altogether. It's bad. It's not done in moderation and it's not good for me. Caffeine is the "hardest" thing I consume, but that doesn't make it a good thing. The hard part is about the time I am most aware of the problem I am also at my most drawn out and tired. Would this week be the best week to cut it out of my life? Absolutely not. Next week? Sounds like a good idea until it's another late night in the back roads of VA and I haven't had a full night's sleep in a month.

At some point it just has to happen, but for now I'm aware that I have issues and I'm aware that it's a problem. Please feel free to harass me about it as you see me or we communicate. Maybe this will be added to my resolutions for 2012. I don't have high hopes knowing the things I'd like to accomplish personally and professionally, but it is something I would like to do.

Tomorrow's alarm is set for 5:15 am again for an all day event downtown and tomorrow night I'm headed to evening meetings in Chesapeake... not looking good. Sigh... maybe someday.